Kindergarten friendships were SO much easier. Aside from not having to schedule a coffee catch-up 2 months in advance, there was absolutely no shame in saying you didn’t like something and that you didn’t want to be friends anymore.
When we’re growing up we create a lot of friendships of convenience – the kids on your street, the people you go to school with, the members of your sports team – and it gets harder to establish new friendships the older we get. It’s human nature for us to not want to be alone, but the flaw in this natural need is we often feel compelled to hold onto friendships that aren’t uplifting us anymore. So what happens when one of you decides to call the friendship quits?
Friendships end for a variety of reasons
There are plenty of us who are still incredibly close with our childhood best friends, but I am sure you can also think of plenty of people you were great friends with in school and now you’d have to stalk their Facebook to know what they’re up to.
It’s definitely normal to slowly grow apart from people, whether that is through physical distance, changes in priorities, or just not feeling like you really connect anymore; but what about when one of you actively chooses to end the friendship?
Maybe there was a specific falling out, a series of repeated behaviours, the friendship became exhausting, or perhaps one of you just lost interest in maintaining the relationship; there is an ongoing list of completely valid reasons to decide to end a friendship.
It is so common for us to talk about and support one another through the breakdown of a romantic relationship – hell, we even socially accept the emotional fallout from ‘situationships’ – but the end of a friendship is something we typically go through alone.
Losing a Friend is Hard
Because they aren’t a romantic partner, we often fail to acknowledge how much losing a friend actually impacts our lives. Ending a friendship directly affects our interactions with the world around us; our social environment is changed, even more so if it was a mutual friend/someone within a larger friendship circle, and there is a significant change in our habits. You might find you avoid or can no longer go to certain places, the people you interact with are different, and you may have to completely change your daily routines – all of the same things we experience in a traditional breakup.
Grief is still Grief
It’s normal to grieve the end of a friendship, regardless of whether it was your decision or theirs to end it. If it was an unhealthy friendship it’s important to recognise that it’s a good thing for it to have ended, but we still need to put time into caring for ourselves and healing from what is still ultimately a ‘breakup’.
Grief often comes with unexpected and conflicting emotions, so you might find yourself feeling any combination of angry, guilty, resentful, heartbroken, depressed, regretful, relieved, confused, or isolated. Everyone grieves differently so unfortunately while there is no universal fix, there are a few things you can do to ease the distress and work towards healing:
1. Accept Your Emotions
Bottling up or denying your feelings can contribute to building resentments and negatively impact other aspects of your life, including your other relationships. It can be healthy to have a cry!
2. Seek Comfort
It can feel pretty lonely after losing a friendship, but don’t forget about the other people in your life. Reach out to other friends or family – and it’s completely up to you if you choose to share with them.
3. Look After Your Wellbeing
Adapt your old routines to the changes in your day to day life with a focus on healthy habits. Prioritise your sleep, diet, exercise, hobbies, and other relationships that bring you joy. This is actually a great time to form new habits, especially around your social life! Consider things like run clubs, social sport, or a book club to combine hobbies with making new friends.
4. Reflect On The Relationship
Take some time to acknowledge all the good and bad from the friendship. Consider all angles – what are you grateful for, what will you miss, what didn’t you like, how is the end of the friendship a positive step forward, what was your role in the friendship?
5. Self-Empowerment
Use your reflections on the friendship to improve your understanding of yourself and your future. Think about how you can grow from this experience and foster worthwhile relationships.
6. Seek Professional Support
Consider talking through the friendship, your emotions and your reflections with a therapist. A therapist will be able to support you in managing grief, understanding friendship/relationship dynamics, and help you to set goals for future friendships.
Take Your Time
Grief doesn’t have an expiry date. Don’t feel silly for grieving the friendship for a long time – you might always have strong emotions towards it – and equally don’t feel guilty for ‘getting over it’ quickly. Everyone processes differently.
